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Russian political jokes (or, rather, Russophone political jokes) are a part of Russian humour and can be naturally grouped into the major time periods: Imperial Russia, Soviet Union and finally post-Soviet Russia. Quite a few political themes can be found among other standard categories of Russian joke, most notably Rabinoivich jokes and Radio Yerevan.\
In Imperial Russia most political jokes were of the salon type told by educated society. Few popular political jokes remained recorded. Some of them were printed in a 1904 German anthology.
A man was reported to have said: "Nikolay is a moron!" and was arrested by the policeman. "No, sir, I meant not our respected Emperor, but another Nikolay!" - "Don't try to trick me: if you say "moron", you obviously refer to our tsar".
A respected merchant Sevenassov wants to change his surname and asks the Tsar for permission. The Emperor writes his resolution: "Allowed to deduct two asses down".
There were also numerous political themed Chastushki in Imperial Russia.
Soviet Union
Every nation is fond of the category of political jokes, but in the Soviet Union telling political jokes was in a sense an extreme sport: according to Article 58 (RSFSR Penal Code), "anti-Soviet propaganda" was a potentially capital offense.
A judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. "I just heard the funniest joke in the world!" "Well, go ahead, tell me!" says the other judge. "I can't – I just gave a guy ten years for it!"
Nevertheless, as Ben Lewis put it in his essay,and book, "Communism was a humour-producing machine. Its economic theories and system of repression created inherently funny situations. There were jokes under fascism and the Nazis too, but those systems did not create an absurd, laugh-a-minute reality like communism."
Early Soviet times
Midnight Petrograd... A night watchman spots a shadow trying to sneak by. "Stop! Who goes there? Documents!" The frightened person chaotically shuffles through his pockets and drops a paper. A soldier picks it up and reads slowly, with difficulty: "U.ri.ne A.na.ly.sis"... "Hmm... a foreigner, sounds like..." "A spy, looks like.... Let's shoot him on the spot!" Then reads further: "'Proteins: none, Sugars: none, Fats: none...' You are free to go, proletarian comrade! Long live the World revolution!"
Communism
According to Marxist-Leninist theory, communism in the strict sense is the final stage of a society's evolution after passing through the socialism stage. The Soviet Union thus cast itself as a socialist country trying to build communism, the classless society.
The principle of socialist economy of the period of transition to communism: the authorities pretend they are paying wages, workers pretend they are working. Alternately, "So long as the bosses pretend to pay us, we will pretend to work." This joke persisted essentially unchanged through the 1980s.
Satirical verses and parodies made fun of official Soviet propaganda slogans.
"Lenin died, but his cause lives on!" (an actual sloga
What a coincidence: "Brezhnev died, but his body lives on."
(extra comedic effect in the latter case is achieved by the fact that the words cause (delo) and body (telo) rhyme in Russian.
Lenin coined a slogan on how to achieve the state of communism through rule by the Communist Party and modernization of the Russian industry and agriculture: "Communism is Soviet power plus electrification of the whole country!" The slogan was subject to popular mathematical scrutiny: "Consequently, Soviet power is communism minus electrification, and electrification is communism minus Soviet power."
A chastushka ridiculing the tendency to praise the Party left and right:
The winter's passed,
The summer's here.
For this we thank
Our party dear!
Russian:
Прошла зима,
настало лето.
Спасибо партии
за это!
(Proshla zima, nastalo leto / Spasibo partii za eto!)
One old bolshevik says to another: "No my friend, we will not live long enough to see communism, but our children... poor children." (An allusion to the slogan "Our children will live in Communism!")
Some jokes allude to notions long forgotten. Survived, they are still funny, but may look strange.
Q: Will there be KGB in communism?
A: As you know, in communism, the state will be abolished, together with its means of suppression. People will know how to self-arrest themselves.
The original version was about Cheka. To fully appreciate this joke, a person must know that during the Cheka times, in addition to standard taxation of peasants, they were often forced to perform samooblozhenie ("self-taxation") — after delivering a regular amount of agricultural products, prosperous peasants, especially those declared to be kulaks were expected to "voluntarily" deliver the same amount again; sometimes even "double samooblozhenie" was applied.
Collective farm
Q: How do you deal with mice in the Kremlin?
A: Put up a sign saying "collective farm". Then half the mice will starve and the others will run away.
Gulag
Three men sit in a jail in (KGB headquarters) Dzerzhinsky Square. The first asks the second why he has been imprisoned, and he says, "Because I criticized Karl Radek." The first man responds, "But I am here because I spoke out in favor of Radek!" They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him why he is in jail too. He responds, "I'm Karl Radek."
Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it true that conditions in our labor camps are excellent?" Armenian Radio answers: "It is true. Five years ago a listener of ours raised the same question and was sent to one, reportedly to investigate the issue. He hasn't returned yet; we are told he liked it there."
"Comrade Brezhnev, is it true that you collect political jokes?" — "Yes" — "And how many have you collected so far?" — "Three and a half labor camps."
Gulag Archipelago
Alexander Solzhenitsyn's book, Gulag Archipelago, has a chapter entitled "Zeks as a Nation", which is a mock ethnographic sketch intended to "prove" that the inhabitants of the Gulag Archipelago constitute a separate nation according to "the only scientific definition of nation given by comrade Stalin". As part of the research, Solzhenitsyn analyzes humor of zeks (gulag inmates). Some examples:
"He was sentenced to three years, served five, then fortunately was released ahead of time." (The joke hints to a common practice, described by Solzhenitsyn, of arbitrary extending the sentence term or adding new accusations). In a similar vein, when someone asked to add something, e.g., more boiled water into a cup, a typical retort was "The prosecutor will add!"
"Is it hard in gulag?" — "Only during the first 10 years."
When the quarter-century term had become standard for Article 58, the common joke was: "OK, now 25 years of life are guaranteed!"
Armenian Radio
Main article: Radio Yerevan jokes
The Armenian Radio or "Radio Yerevan" jokes are of format "ask us whatever you want, we will answer you whatever we want". They give snappy or double-minded answers to questions on politics, commodities, economy or other taboo subjects of the Communist era. Questions and answers from this fictitious Radio are known even outside Russia.
Q: What's the difference between a capitalist fairy tale and a Marxist fairy tale?
A: The capitalist fairy tale starts out; "once upon a time there was....", The Marxist fairy tale starts out; "some day there will be...."
Q: Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is in the USA?
A: In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the White House in Washington, DC, and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. Just the same, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
Q: What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and USSR? Both guarantee freedom of speech.
A: Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.
Q: Is it true that the Soviet Union is the most progressive country in the world?
A: Of course! The life was already better yesterday than it's going to be tomorrow!
Political figures
Politicians form no stereotype as such in Russian culture. Instead, historical and contemporary Russian leaders are portrayed with emphasis on their own unique characteristics. At the same time, quite a few jokes about them are remakes of jokes about earlier generations of leaders.
Vladimir Lenin, Joseph Stalin, Nikita Khrushchev and Leonid Brezhnev are all travelling together in a railway carriage. Unexpectedly the train stops. Lenin suggests: "Perhaps, we should call a subbotnik, so that workers and peasants fix the problem." Stalin puts his head out of the window and shouts, "If the train does not start moving, the driver will be shot!" (A hint to Stalin's Great Purge.) But the train doesn't start moving. Khrushchev then shouts, "Let's take the rails behind the train and use them to construct the tracks in the front". (A hint to Khrushchev's various reorganizations.) But it still doesn't move. Brezhnev then says, "Comrades, Comrades, let's draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and pretend we're moving!" (A hint to Brezhnev stagnation.) A common ending to this has Gorbachev saying "we were going the wrong way" and changing the direction, and Yeltsin riding the train off the rails and through a field.
The jokes about Vladimir Lenin, leader of the Russian Revolution of 1917, typically made fun of the features of his character popularized by propaganda: kindness, love of children (Lenin never had children of his own), sharing nature, kind eyes, etc. Accordingly, in the jokes Lenin is often sneaky and hypocritical. A popular joke set-up is Lenin interacting with the head of the secret police, Felix Edmundovich Dzerzhinsky in the Smolny Institute, seat of the revolutionary communist government in Petrograd, or with khodoki, peasants that came to see Lenin.
During the famine of the civil war, a delegation of starving peasants comes to the Smolny, wishing to file a petition. "We have even started eating the grass like horses," says one peasant. "Soon we will start neighing like horses!" "Come on! Don't worry!" says Lenin reassuringly. "We are drinking tea with honey here, and we are not buzzing like bees, are we?"
(Concerning the omnipresent Lenin propaganda) A schoolteacher is leading her students through a park, and they see a baby hare. These are city kids, and have never seen a hare. "Do you know who this is?" asks the teacher. No one knows. "Come on kids", says the teacher trying to lead the children to the answer, "He's a character in many stories, songs and poems we always read." One student "figures it out," pats the hare and says reverently, "So *that's* what you're like, Grandpa Lenin!"
An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Nadezhda Krupskaya (Lenin's wife) naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. One guest asks, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin's in Poland."
Jokes about Stalin usually refer to his paranoia and contempt for human life. Stalin's words are pronounced with a heavy Georgian accent.
Stalin attends the premiere of a Soviet comedy movie. He happily laughs and smiles during the movie, but when the movie ends he suddenly asks, "Well, I liked the comedy. But why does that clownish character have a moustache just like mine?" Stalin says. Everyone is speechless and someone sheepishly suggests, "But Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?" Stalin replies, "Good idea! First shave then shoot."
Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says, "Bless you, Comrade!"
A secretary is standing outside the Kremlin when Marshal Zhukov leaves a meeting with Stalin and she hears him mutter under his breath, "murderous moustache!". She runs in to see Stalin and breathlessly reports, "I just heard Zhukov say 'murderous moustache'!" Stalin dismisses the secretary and sends for Zhukov, who comes back in. "Whom did you have in mind with 'murderous moustache'?" asks Stalin. "Why, Hitler, of course, Iosef Vissarionovich." Stalin thanks him, dismisses him, and calls the secretary back. "And whom did you think he was talking about?"
An old wench waited for two hours to get in a bus. Bus after bus came full and she couldn't squeeze herself in. When she finally managed to crawl in, she wiped her forehead, and said, "Finally, glory to God!" The driver said, "Mother, you must not say that. You must say 'Glory to comrade Stalin'." "Excuse me, comrade," the woman said. "I'm just a backward old woman. I'll say from now on as you told me." After a while, she said, "Excuse me, comrade, I am old and stupid. What shall I say if, God forbid, Stalin dies?" "Well, then you may say, 'Glory to God!
At a May Day parade, a very old Jew carries a placard which reads, "Thank you, comrade Stalin, for my happy childhood!" The Party representative approaches the old man. "What's that? Are you deriding our Party? Everybody can see, when you were a child, comrade Stalin was not yet born!" The old man replies, "That's precisely what I'm grateful to him for!"
Jokes about Khrushchev are often related to his attempts to reform the economy, especially to introduce maize. He was even called kukuruznik (maizeman). Other jokes address crop failures due to mismanagement of the agriculture, his innovations in urban architecture, his confrontation with the US while importing US consumer goods, his promises to build communism in 20 years, or just his baldness, and rude manners. Unlike other Soviet leaders, in jokes he is always harmless.
Khrushchev visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In a newspaper's office, a discussion is under way what should be the caption under the picture. "Comrade Khrushchev among pigs," "Comrade Khrushchev and pigs," "Pigs around comrade Khrushchev,"—all is rejected. Finally the editor makes the decision. The caption is "The third from left - comrade Khrushchev."
Why was Khrushchev deseated? Because of the Seven "C"s: Cult of personality, Communism, China, Cuban Crisis, Corn, and Cuzka's mother (In Russian this is the seven "K"s. To "show somebody Kuzka's mother" is a Russian idiom meaning "to give somebody a hard time". Khrushchev had used this phrase during a speech at the United Nations General Assembly, allegedly referring to the Tsar Bomba test over Novaya Zemlya).
Leonid Brezhnev was depicted as dim-witted, suffering from dementia, with delusion of grandeur.
"Leonid Ilyich is in surgery." / "Heart again?" / "No, chest expansion surgery: to fit one more Gold Star medals."
At the 1980 Olympics, Brezhnev begins his speech. "O!"—applause. "O!"—more applause. "O!"—yet more applause. "O!"—an ovation. "O!!!"—the whole audience stands up and applauds. An aide comes running to the podium and whispers, "Leonid Ilyich, those are the Olympic logo rings, you don't need to read it!"
After a speech, Brezhnev confronts his speechwriter. "I asked for a 15-minute speech, but the one you gave me lasted 45 minutes!" The speechwriter replies: "I gave you three copies..."
"Leonid Ilyich!..." / "Come on, no formalities among comrades. Just call me 'Ilyich' ". (Note: In Soviet parlance, "Ilyich" by itself by default refers to Vladimir Lenin, and "Just call me 'Ilyich'" was a line from a well-known poem about Lenin, written by Mayakovsky.)
Brezhnev sees a man carrying a watermelon while riding a car on his way home. He asks the driver to stop the car and approaches the man. He tells him that the watermelon is looking nice and asks him to sell it to him. The man replies "Sure, pick the one you want" and Brezhnev asks "How can I pick? There is only one". The man replies "Just how we elected you."
In 1978, Brezhnev is suggesting president Urho Kekkonen that the border between Finland and Soviet Union should be removed. Kekkonen says it was an interesting idea, but he would have to turn the offer down, as he felt too old to run such a huge country.
Brezhnev makes a speech: "Everyone in the Politburo has dementia. Comrade Pelshe doesn't recognize himself: I say "Hello, comrade Pelshe", and he responds "Hello, Leonid Ilyich, but I'm not Pelshe." Comrade Gromyko is like a child - he's taken my rubber donkey from my desk. And during comrade Grechko's funeral - by the way, why is he absent? - nobody but me invited a lady for a dance when the music started playing."
TASS says: "Last night there was an earthquake in Moscow. Brezhnev's jacket fell on the floor." This one tells about Brezhnev's medals.
Quite a few jokes capitalized on the cliché used in Soviet speeches of the time: "dear Leonid Ilyich".
The phone rings, Brezhnev picks up the phone: "Hello, this is dear Leonid Ilyich...".
Geriatric intermezzo
During Brezhnev's times, Communist Party leadership gradually became increasingly geriatric. By the time of his death, the median age of the Politburo was 70. Party General Secretary Leonid Brezhnev died in 1982. His successor, Yuri Andropov, died in 1984. His successor in turn, Konstantin Chernenko, died in 1985. Russians took great interest in watching the new sport at the Kremlin: hearse racing. Rabinovich said he did not have to buy tickets to the funerals as he had a subscription to these events. As Andropov's bad health became common knowledge (he was attached to a dialysis machine by the end), several jokes made the rounds:
"Comrade Andropov is the most turned on man in Moscow!"
"Why did Brezhnev go abroad, and Andropov did not? Because Brezhnev ran on batteries, but Andropov needed an outlet." (Reference to Brezhnev's pacemaker and Andropov's dialysis machine).
"What is the main difference of succession under tsarist regime and under socialism?" "Under tsarist regime the power transferred from father to a son, and under socialism - from grandfather to grandfather." (A wordplay: 'grandfather' in Russian is traditionally used in a sense of 'old man')
TASS communication: "Today, due to bad health and without regaining consciousness Konstantin Ustinovich Chernenko took up the duties of Secretary General" (the first part of the sentence is the common beginning of state leaders' obituaries)
Another TASS communication: "Dear comrades, you're going to laugh, but the Communist Party of the Soviet Union, the entire Soviet nation, have again suffered a great loss.
Gorbachev
Mikhail Gorbachev was occasionally made fun of for his poor grammar, but perestroika-era jokes usually addressed his slogans and ineffective actions, his birth mark, Raisa Gorbachev's poking her nose everywhere (much like Hillary Clinton jokes about her being the 42nd President of the USA), as well as Soviet-American relations.
In a restaurant:
Why are the meatballs cube-shaped?
Perestroika! (restructuring)
Why are they undercooked?
Uskoreniye! (acceleration)
Why have they got a bite out of them?
Gospriyomka! (state approval)
Why are you telling me all this so brazenly?
Glasnost! (openness)
A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store, however due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is excessively long, the man loses his nerve and screams "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now and I am going to kill him!" After 40 minutes the man returns, and begins elbowing his way back to his place in the vodka queue as the crowd looks on. They begin to ask if he succeeded in killing Gorbachev, to which the man replies: "No, I got to the Kremlin, but the line to kill Gorbachev was far too long, so I decided to come back and wait for my vodka".
Telling jokes about the KGB was thought to be like pulling the tail of a tiger.
A hotel. A room for four with four strangers. Three of them soon open a bottle of vodka and proceed to get acquainted, then drunk, then noisy, singing and telling political jokes. The fourth one desperately tries to get some sleep; finally, frustrated, he surreptitiously leaves the room, goes downstairs, and asks the lady concierge to bring tea to Room 67 in ten minutes. Then he returns and joins the party. Five minutes later, he bends over an ashtray and says with utter nonchalance: "Comrade Major, some tea to Room 67, please." In a few minutes, there's a knock at the door, and in comes the lady concierge with a tea tray. The room falls silent; the party dies a sudden death, and the conspirator finally gets to sleep. The next morning he wakes up alone in the room. Surprised, he runs downstairs and asks the concierge where his neighbors had gone. "You don't need to know!" she answers. "B-but... but what about me?" asks the guy in terror. "Oh, you... well... Comrade Major liked your tea gag a lot."
The KGB, the GIGN (or in some versions of the joke, the FBI) and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The GIGN (or FBI) goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Quite a few jokes and other comedy capitalized on the fact that Soviet citizens were under KGB surveillance even abroad:
A quartet of violinists returns from an international competition. One of them was honored with the possibility to play a Stradivarius violin and cannot stop bragging about this. Another one (who got the last place) grunts: "What's so special about that?". The first one thinks for a minute: "Let me put it in this way for you: just imagine you were given a chance to make a couple of shots from Dzerzhinsky's mauser..."
In a prison, two inmates share their experience. "What did they arrest you for?" one of them asks. "Was it a political or common crime?" "Of course political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system requires replacement.' So, they gave me seven years."
A frightened man came to the KGB "My talking parrot disappeared." "This is not our case. Go to the criminal police." "Excuse me. Of course I know that I have to go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with that parrot."
The newly arrived Russian immigrant tried his best to answer the questions posed by the journalist: "How was life for you in Russia?" / "Couldn't complain". "Did you like your job there?" / "Couldn't complain". "And how was the schooling for your children?" / "Couldn't complain". "So, you were happy in Russia?" / "Couldn't complain". "Well, then," the journalist continued, "if you couldn't complain why have you come to Israel/USA?" / "Because here I can complain!"
Q: What is more useful — newspapers or television? A: Newspapers, of course. You cannot wrap herring in a TV. Alt. You cannot wipe yourself with a TV. (Refers to shortage of toilet paper in USSR, so newspapers were used instead.)
We pretend to work and they pretend to pay us! [A joke that frequently did the rounds at factories and other places of state-funded labour.
Five precepts of the Soviet intelligentsia (intellectuals):
Don't think.
If you think, then don't speak.
If you think and speak, then don't write.
If you think, speak and write, then don't sign.
If you think, speak, write and sign, then don't be surprised.
An old woman asks her granddaughter: "Granddaughter, please explain Communism to me. How will people live under it? They probably teach you all about it in school." "Of course they do, Granny. When we reach Communism, the shops will be full — there'll be butter, and meat, and sausage . . . you'll be able to go and buy anything you want. . ." "Ah!" exclaimed the old woman joyously. "Just like under the Tsar!"
Every morning a man would come up to the newspaper stand, and buy a copy of Pravda, look at the front page and then toss it angrily into the near-by bin. The newspaper-seller was intrigued. "Excuse me," he said to the man, "Every morning you buy a copy of Pravda from me and chuck it in the bin without even opening it. What do you buy it for?" "I'm only interested in the front page,' replied the man. 'I'm looking out for a death notice." "But you don't get death notices on the front page," said the newspaper-seller, taken aback. "I assure you, the death notice I'm looking for will be on the front page."
A regional Communist Party meeting is held to celebrate the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution. The Chairman gives a speech, "Dear comrades! Let's look at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution. For example, Maria here, who was she before the revolution? An illiterate peasant; she had but one dress and no shoes. And now? She is an exemplary milkmaid known over the entire region. Or look, Ivan Andreev, he was the poorest man in this village, he had no horse, no cow, and not even an ax. And now? He is a tractor driver with two pairs of shoes! Or Trofim Semenovich Alekseev - he was a nasty hooligan, a drunk, and a dirty gadabout. Nobody trusted him even with a snowdrift in wintertime as he would steal anything he could get his hands on. And now he's a Secretary of the Party Committee!"
Some jokes ridiculed the level of political indoctrination in the educational system of the Soviet Union:
"My wife has been going to cooking school for three years." / "She must really cook well by now!" / "No, they've only reached the part about the Twentieth CPSU Congress so far."
Quite a few jokes poke fun at permanent shortages in various shops.
A man walks into a shop and asks, "Don't you have any fish?", and the shop assistant replies, "You got it wrong - ours is a butcher: we don't have any meat. They don't have any fish in the fish shop that is across the road!"[The Russian version is a subtle pun based on the fact that a sentence "You don't have fish?" (with interrogative intonation and extra accent on "don't") actually means "Do you have fish?" So, the original Russian dialog is less verbose: "You don't have fish?"- "We don't have meat: we are butchers. The fish shop across doesn't have fish."
An American man and a Soviet man died on the same day and went to Hell together. The Devil told them: "You may choose to enter two different types of Hells: the first is the American-style, where you may do anything you like, but at the condition of eating a bucketful of manure everyday; the second is the Soviet-style, where you may ALSO do anything you like, but at the condition of eating TWO bucketfuls of manure a day." The American man chose the American-style Hell, and the Soviet man chose the Soviet-style one. A few months later, they met again. The Soviet man asked the American man: "Hi, how are you going?" The American man said:＂I'm fine, but I can't stand the bucketful of manure everyday. How about you?" Answered the Soviet man: "Well, I'm fine, too; except I don't know whether we had a shortage of manure or if somebody stole all the buckets away."
A subgenre of the above type of jokes target long sign-up queues for certain commodities, with the waiting time counted in years.
"Dad, can I have the car keys?" / "Ok, but don't lose them. We will get the car in just seven years!"
"I want to sign into the queue for a car. How long is it?" / "Ten years from today exactly" / "Morning or evening?" / "Why does it matter?" / "A plumber is due in the morning".
Post-Communist era
The Boris Yeltsin era saw the revival of some old Brezhnev jokes, but again the focus was put on actual policies.
When Yeltsin resigned from the Communist Party at the 28th Party Congress, people used to say that "Yeltsin is out of mind,... honour, and conscience of our epoch". (A hint at a widespread propaganda slogan: "Party is Mind, Honour and Conscience of our Epoch")
Yeltsin's aide approaches him and says, "Mister President, two guests are here to see you: the Pope, and the director of the International Monetary Fund. Who shall I show in first?" Yeltsin thinks for a moment, then says: "Show in the Pope; at least I only have to kiss his ring."
Putin and Yanukovych met in an international fair. They greet each other. Yanukovych said "Vladimir Vladimirovich, our countries are close friends. We are like two similar bottles of water". Putin reply "You're right, Viktor Fedorovych, but Russia is water with gas inside..."
Vladimir Putin
Humour about Putin takes the form of satirical "facts" similar to the ones told about Chuck Norris, ascribing various superpowers to the Russian president. Putin facts come out of his "tough guy" image:
When Putin was little, he broke a cup. The spilled water turned into oceans and the splinters became continents.
Putin once built a fully functional MiG when he was 5, and proceeded to shoot down 16 American spy planes.
A spoon that Putin ate from can heal cataracts and glaucoma. A fork that Putin ate from can slay a vampire with one stab.
Putin can speak with animals.
If Putin walks in the forest at night and wants to take a nap, bears come to serve as blankets while he sleeps.
When Putin smiles, a child is born in Russia. If the smile is wider than usual, expect twins. When he is sad, the national suicide statistics go up.
Pluto stopped being classified as a planet because Putin once commented on how silly its name was during a dinner with the top astronomers.
A chair that Putin sat on gets promoted to the rank of Major General.
Putin can scratch his own heel without bending over.
Shirts worn by Putin are sent to a secret military facility and converted to the strongest layer of armor for the Russian tanks.
Socks worn by Putin are routinely dropped on Chechen rebels.
Putin knows every Russian citizen’s name, address, and phone number. If you say a dirty word, Putin will call you in the evening to reprimand you.
When Putin’s name is typed, the first letter capitalizes itself.
By squinting his eye Putin can read and write multimedia DVDs.
Putin’s stare has downed 15 American satellites spying over the Kremlin.
Putin’s stare penetrates a ten foot lead wall and brings a kettle to a boil within 10 seconds from three miles away. For public safety he must wear special contact lenses at all times.
Chechen rebels blow themselves up when they hear Putin’s true name.
Saying Putin’s name repeatedly contributes to the common good in the universe.
Putin inhales carbon dioxide and exhales oxygen, ensuring the continuation of life on the planet.
Putin’s love for humankind heats up the planet by 2.35 degrees annually – a phenomenon also known as global warming.
Everything Putin touches turns into a national project.
If a sunbeam shines beautifully through the clouds, Putin is nearby.
If you shake hands with Putin you will be taken to heaven alive.
If you hate Putin you may die early through your own fault.
When Putin drives a vehicle, its engine gains 1,000 horsepower.
Putin doesn’t need a mattress; he levitates in his sleep at an average citizen’s eye level.
Once a month the full moon howls at Putin.
Putin appeared in Thomas Edison’s dream and revealed how to live in harmony with the Universe. But all Edison could remember in the morning was how to make the light bulb.
Putin can power up a microphone with his stare and shut down the Windows Media Player with his voice.
Putin can find out your home address just by looking at your comment on any website.
Putin can browse the Internet with a pocket calculator.
Putin’s dog saved the world at least four times.
A combination of Putin’s fingerprints reveals the State Seal of the Russian Federation.
Stupid Funny Jokes Biography
In Imperial Russia most political jokes were of the salon type told by educated society. Few popular political jokes remained recorded. Some of them were printed in a 1904 German anthology.
A man was reported to have said: "Nikolay is a moron!" and was arrested by the policeman. "No, sir, I meant not our respected Emperor, but another Nikolay!" - "Don't try to trick me: if you say "moron", you obviously refer to our tsar".
A respected merchant Sevenassov wants to change his surname and asks the Tsar for permission. The Emperor writes his resolution: "Allowed to deduct two asses down".
There were also numerous political themed Chastushki in Imperial Russia.
Soviet Union
Every nation is fond of the category of political jokes, but in the Soviet Union telling political jokes was in a sense an extreme sport: according to Article 58 (RSFSR Penal Code), "anti-Soviet propaganda" was a potentially capital offense.
A judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. "I just heard the funniest joke in the world!" "Well, go ahead, tell me!" says the other judge. "I can't – I just gave a guy ten years for it!"
Nevertheless, as Ben Lewis put it in his essay,and book, "Communism was a humour-producing machine. Its economic theories and system of repression created inherently funny situations. There were jokes under fascism and the Nazis too, but those systems did not create an absurd, laugh-a-minute reality like communism."
Early Soviet times
Jokes from these times are of historical value, portraying the character of the epoch as perfectly as long novels.
Midnight Petrograd... A night watchman spots a shadow trying to sneak by. "Stop! Who goes there? Documents!" The frightened person chaotically shuffles through his pockets and drops a paper. A soldier picks it up and reads slowly, with difficulty: "U.ri.ne A.na.ly.sis"... "Hmm... a foreigner, sounds like..." "A spy, looks like.... Let's shoot him on the spot!" Then reads further: "'Proteins: none, Sugars: none, Fats: none...' You are free to go, proletarian comrade! Long live the World revolution!"
Communism
According to Marxist-Leninist theory, communism in the strict sense is the final stage of a society's evolution after passing through the socialism stage. The Soviet Union thus cast itself as a socialist country trying to build communism, the classless society.
The principle of socialist economy of the period of transition to communism: the authorities pretend they are paying wages, workers pretend they are working. Alternately, "So long as the bosses pretend to pay us, we will pretend to work." This joke persisted essentially unchanged through the 1980s.
Satirical verses and parodies made fun of official Soviet propaganda slogans.
"Lenin died, but his cause lives on!" (an actual sloga
Rabinovich notes: "I would prefer it the other way round."
What a coincidence: "Brezhnev died, but his body lives on."
(extra comedic effect in the latter case is achieved by the fact that the words cause (delo) and body (telo) rhyme in Russian.
Lenin coined a slogan on how to achieve the state of communism through rule by the Communist Party and modernization of the Russian industry and agriculture: "Communism is Soviet power plus electrification of the whole country!" The slogan was subject to popular mathematical scrutiny: "Consequently, Soviet power is communism minus electrification, and electrification is communism minus Soviet power."
A chastushka ridiculing the tendency to praise the Party left and right:
The winter's passed,
The summer's here.
For this we thank
Our party dear!
Russian:
Прошла зима,
настало лето.
Спасибо партии
за это!
(Proshla zima, nastalo leto / Spasibo partii za eto!)
One old bolshevik says to another: "No my friend, we will not live long enough to see communism, but our children... poor children." (An allusion to the slogan "Our children will live in Communism!")
Some jokes allude to notions long forgotten. Survived, they are still funny, but may look strange.
Q: Will there be KGB in communism?
A: As you know, in communism, the state will be abolished, together with its means of suppression. People will know how to self-arrest themselves.
The original version was about Cheka. To fully appreciate this joke, a person must know that during the Cheka times, in addition to standard taxation of peasants, they were often forced to perform samooblozhenie ("self-taxation") — after delivering a regular amount of agricultural products, prosperous peasants, especially those declared to be kulaks were expected to "voluntarily" deliver the same amount again; sometimes even "double samooblozhenie" was applied.
Collective farm
Q: How do you deal with mice in the Kremlin?
A: Put up a sign saying "collective farm". Then half the mice will starve and the others will run away.
This joke is an allusion to the consequences of the collectivization policy pursued by Joseph Stalin between 1928 and 1933.
Gulag
Three men sit in a jail in (KGB headquarters) Dzerzhinsky Square. The first asks the second why he has been imprisoned, and he says, "Because I criticized Karl Radek." The first man responds, "But I am here because I spoke out in favor of Radek!" They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him why he is in jail too. He responds, "I'm Karl Radek."
Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it true that conditions in our labor camps are excellent?" Armenian Radio answers: "It is true. Five years ago a listener of ours raised the same question and was sent to one, reportedly to investigate the issue. He hasn't returned yet; we are told he liked it there."
"Comrade Brezhnev, is it true that you collect political jokes?" — "Yes" — "And how many have you collected so far?" — "Three and a half labor camps."
Gulag Archipelago
Alexander Solzhenitsyn's book, Gulag Archipelago, has a chapter entitled "Zeks as a Nation", which is a mock ethnographic sketch intended to "prove" that the inhabitants of the Gulag Archipelago constitute a separate nation according to "the only scientific definition of nation given by comrade Stalin". As part of the research, Solzhenitsyn analyzes humor of zeks (gulag inmates). Some examples:
"He was sentenced to three years, served five, then fortunately was released ahead of time." (The joke hints to a common practice, described by Solzhenitsyn, of arbitrary extending the sentence term or adding new accusations). In a similar vein, when someone asked to add something, e.g., more boiled water into a cup, a typical retort was "The prosecutor will add!"
"Is it hard in gulag?" — "Only during the first 10 years."
When the quarter-century term had become standard for Article 58, the common joke was: "OK, now 25 years of life are guaranteed!"
Armenian Radio
Main article: Radio Yerevan jokes
The Armenian Radio or "Radio Yerevan" jokes are of format "ask us whatever you want, we will answer you whatever we want". They give snappy or double-minded answers to questions on politics, commodities, economy or other taboo subjects of the Communist era. Questions and answers from this fictitious Radio are known even outside Russia.
Q: What's the difference between a capitalist fairy tale and a Marxist fairy tale?
A: The capitalist fairy tale starts out; "once upon a time there was....", The Marxist fairy tale starts out; "some day there will be...."
Q: Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is in the USA?
A: In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the White House in Washington, DC, and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. Just the same, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
Q: What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and USSR? Both guarantee freedom of speech.
A: Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.
Q: Is it true that the Soviet Union is the most progressive country in the world?
A: Of course! The life was already better yesterday than it's going to be tomorrow!
Political figures
Politicians form no stereotype as such in Russian culture. Instead, historical and contemporary Russian leaders are portrayed with emphasis on their own unique characteristics. At the same time, quite a few jokes about them are remakes of jokes about earlier generations of leaders.
Vladimir Lenin, Joseph Stalin, Nikita Khrushchev and Leonid Brezhnev are all travelling together in a railway carriage. Unexpectedly the train stops. Lenin suggests: "Perhaps, we should call a subbotnik, so that workers and peasants fix the problem." Stalin puts his head out of the window and shouts, "If the train does not start moving, the driver will be shot!" (A hint to Stalin's Great Purge.) But the train doesn't start moving. Khrushchev then shouts, "Let's take the rails behind the train and use them to construct the tracks in the front". (A hint to Khrushchev's various reorganizations.) But it still doesn't move. Brezhnev then says, "Comrades, Comrades, let's draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and pretend we're moving!" (A hint to Brezhnev stagnation.) A common ending to this has Gorbachev saying "we were going the wrong way" and changing the direction, and Yeltsin riding the train off the rails and through a field.
The jokes about Vladimir Lenin, leader of the Russian Revolution of 1917, typically made fun of the features of his character popularized by propaganda: kindness, love of children (Lenin never had children of his own), sharing nature, kind eyes, etc. Accordingly, in the jokes Lenin is often sneaky and hypocritical. A popular joke set-up is Lenin interacting with the head of the secret police, Felix Edmundovich Dzerzhinsky in the Smolny Institute, seat of the revolutionary communist government in Petrograd, or with khodoki, peasants that came to see Lenin.
During the famine of the civil war, a delegation of starving peasants comes to the Smolny, wishing to file a petition. "We have even started eating the grass like horses," says one peasant. "Soon we will start neighing like horses!" "Come on! Don't worry!" says Lenin reassuringly. "We are drinking tea with honey here, and we are not buzzing like bees, are we?"
(Concerning the omnipresent Lenin propaganda) A schoolteacher is leading her students through a park, and they see a baby hare. These are city kids, and have never seen a hare. "Do you know who this is?" asks the teacher. No one knows. "Come on kids", says the teacher trying to lead the children to the answer, "He's a character in many stories, songs and poems we always read." One student "figures it out," pats the hare and says reverently, "So *that's* what you're like, Grandpa Lenin!"
An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Nadezhda Krupskaya (Lenin's wife) naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. One guest asks, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin's in Poland."
Jokes about Stalin usually refer to his paranoia and contempt for human life. Stalin's words are pronounced with a heavy Georgian accent.
Stalin attends the premiere of a Soviet comedy movie. He happily laughs and smiles during the movie, but when the movie ends he suddenly asks, "Well, I liked the comedy. But why does that clownish character have a moustache just like mine?" Stalin says. Everyone is speechless and someone sheepishly suggests, "But Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?" Stalin replies, "Good idea! First shave then shoot."
Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says, "Bless you, Comrade!"
A secretary is standing outside the Kremlin when Marshal Zhukov leaves a meeting with Stalin and she hears him mutter under his breath, "murderous moustache!". She runs in to see Stalin and breathlessly reports, "I just heard Zhukov say 'murderous moustache'!" Stalin dismisses the secretary and sends for Zhukov, who comes back in. "Whom did you have in mind with 'murderous moustache'?" asks Stalin. "Why, Hitler, of course, Iosef Vissarionovich." Stalin thanks him, dismisses him, and calls the secretary back. "And whom did you think he was talking about?"
An old wench waited for two hours to get in a bus. Bus after bus came full and she couldn't squeeze herself in. When she finally managed to crawl in, she wiped her forehead, and said, "Finally, glory to God!" The driver said, "Mother, you must not say that. You must say 'Glory to comrade Stalin'." "Excuse me, comrade," the woman said. "I'm just a backward old woman. I'll say from now on as you told me." After a while, she said, "Excuse me, comrade, I am old and stupid. What shall I say if, God forbid, Stalin dies?" "Well, then you may say, 'Glory to God!
At a May Day parade, a very old Jew carries a placard which reads, "Thank you, comrade Stalin, for my happy childhood!" The Party representative approaches the old man. "What's that? Are you deriding our Party? Everybody can see, when you were a child, comrade Stalin was not yet born!" The old man replies, "That's precisely what I'm grateful to him for!"
Stalin and Roosevelt are arguing which country is more democratic - USA or Soviet Union. Roosevelt claims that every American can shout in the front of the White House "Down with Roosevelt". Stalin replies that in Soviet Union as well, everybody can shout in the Red Square "Down with Roosevelt".
Jokes about Khrushchev are often related to his attempts to reform the economy, especially to introduce maize. He was even called kukuruznik (maizeman). Other jokes address crop failures due to mismanagement of the agriculture, his innovations in urban architecture, his confrontation with the US while importing US consumer goods, his promises to build communism in 20 years, or just his baldness, and rude manners. Unlike other Soviet leaders, in jokes he is always harmless.
Khrushchev visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In a newspaper's office, a discussion is under way what should be the caption under the picture. "Comrade Khrushchev among pigs," "Comrade Khrushchev and pigs," "Pigs around comrade Khrushchev,"—all is rejected. Finally the editor makes the decision. The caption is "The third from left - comrade Khrushchev."
Why was Khrushchev deseated? Because of the Seven "C"s: Cult of personality, Communism, China, Cuban Crisis, Corn, and Cuzka's mother (In Russian this is the seven "K"s. To "show somebody Kuzka's mother" is a Russian idiom meaning "to give somebody a hard time". Khrushchev had used this phrase during a speech at the United Nations General Assembly, allegedly referring to the Tsar Bomba test over Novaya Zemlya).
Leonid Brezhnev was depicted as dim-witted, suffering from dementia, with delusion of grandeur.
"Leonid Ilyich is in surgery." / "Heart again?" / "No, chest expansion surgery: to fit one more Gold Star medals."
At the 1980 Olympics, Brezhnev begins his speech. "O!"—applause. "O!"—more applause. "O!"—yet more applause. "O!"—an ovation. "O!!!"—the whole audience stands up and applauds. An aide comes running to the podium and whispers, "Leonid Ilyich, those are the Olympic logo rings, you don't need to read it!"
After a speech, Brezhnev confronts his speechwriter. "I asked for a 15-minute speech, but the one you gave me lasted 45 minutes!" The speechwriter replies: "I gave you three copies..."
"Leonid Ilyich!..." / "Come on, no formalities among comrades. Just call me 'Ilyich' ". (Note: In Soviet parlance, "Ilyich" by itself by default refers to Vladimir Lenin, and "Just call me 'Ilyich'" was a line from a well-known poem about Lenin, written by Mayakovsky.)
Brezhnev sees a man carrying a watermelon while riding a car on his way home. He asks the driver to stop the car and approaches the man. He tells him that the watermelon is looking nice and asks him to sell it to him. The man replies "Sure, pick the one you want" and Brezhnev asks "How can I pick? There is only one". The man replies "Just how we elected you."
In 1978, Brezhnev is suggesting president Urho Kekkonen that the border between Finland and Soviet Union should be removed. Kekkonen says it was an interesting idea, but he would have to turn the offer down, as he felt too old to run such a huge country.
Brezhnev makes a speech: "Everyone in the Politburo has dementia. Comrade Pelshe doesn't recognize himself: I say "Hello, comrade Pelshe", and he responds "Hello, Leonid Ilyich, but I'm not Pelshe." Comrade Gromyko is like a child - he's taken my rubber donkey from my desk. And during comrade Grechko's funeral - by the way, why is he absent? - nobody but me invited a lady for a dance when the music started playing."
TASS says: "Last night there was an earthquake in Moscow. Brezhnev's jacket fell on the floor." This one tells about Brezhnev's medals.
Quite a few jokes capitalized on the cliché used in Soviet speeches of the time: "dear Leonid Ilyich".
The phone rings, Brezhnev picks up the phone: "Hello, this is dear Leonid Ilyich...".
Geriatric intermezzo
During Brezhnev's times, Communist Party leadership gradually became increasingly geriatric. By the time of his death, the median age of the Politburo was 70. Party General Secretary Leonid Brezhnev died in 1982. His successor, Yuri Andropov, died in 1984. His successor in turn, Konstantin Chernenko, died in 1985. Russians took great interest in watching the new sport at the Kremlin: hearse racing. Rabinovich said he did not have to buy tickets to the funerals as he had a subscription to these events. As Andropov's bad health became common knowledge (he was attached to a dialysis machine by the end), several jokes made the rounds:
"Comrade Andropov is the most turned on man in Moscow!"
"Why did Brezhnev go abroad, and Andropov did not? Because Brezhnev ran on batteries, but Andropov needed an outlet." (Reference to Brezhnev's pacemaker and Andropov's dialysis machine).
"What is the main difference of succession under tsarist regime and under socialism?" "Under tsarist regime the power transferred from father to a son, and under socialism - from grandfather to grandfather." (A wordplay: 'grandfather' in Russian is traditionally used in a sense of 'old man')
TASS communication: "Today, due to bad health and without regaining consciousness Konstantin Ustinovich Chernenko took up the duties of Secretary General" (the first part of the sentence is the common beginning of state leaders' obituaries)
Another TASS communication: "Dear comrades, you're going to laugh, but the Communist Party of the Soviet Union, the entire Soviet nation, have again suffered a great loss.
Gorbachev
Mikhail Gorbachev was occasionally made fun of for his poor grammar, but perestroika-era jokes usually addressed his slogans and ineffective actions, his birth mark, Raisa Gorbachev's poking her nose everywhere (much like Hillary Clinton jokes about her being the 42nd President of the USA), as well as Soviet-American relations.
In a restaurant:
Why are the meatballs cube-shaped?
Perestroika! (restructuring)
Why are they undercooked?
Uskoreniye! (acceleration)
Why have they got a bite out of them?
Gospriyomka! (state approval)
Why are you telling me all this so brazenly?
Glasnost! (openness)
A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store, however due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is excessively long, the man loses his nerve and screams "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now and I am going to kill him!" After 40 minutes the man returns, and begins elbowing his way back to his place in the vodka queue as the crowd looks on. They begin to ask if he succeeded in killing Gorbachev, to which the man replies: "No, I got to the Kremlin, but the line to kill Gorbachev was far too long, so I decided to come back and wait for my vodka".
Telling jokes about the KGB was thought to be like pulling the tail of a tiger.
A hotel. A room for four with four strangers. Three of them soon open a bottle of vodka and proceed to get acquainted, then drunk, then noisy, singing and telling political jokes. The fourth one desperately tries to get some sleep; finally, frustrated, he surreptitiously leaves the room, goes downstairs, and asks the lady concierge to bring tea to Room 67 in ten minutes. Then he returns and joins the party. Five minutes later, he bends over an ashtray and says with utter nonchalance: "Comrade Major, some tea to Room 67, please." In a few minutes, there's a knock at the door, and in comes the lady concierge with a tea tray. The room falls silent; the party dies a sudden death, and the conspirator finally gets to sleep. The next morning he wakes up alone in the room. Surprised, he runs downstairs and asks the concierge where his neighbors had gone. "You don't need to know!" she answers. "B-but... but what about me?" asks the guy in terror. "Oh, you... well... Comrade Major liked your tea gag a lot."
The KGB, the GIGN (or in some versions of the joke, the FBI) and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The GIGN (or FBI) goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Quite a few jokes and other comedy capitalized on the fact that Soviet citizens were under KGB surveillance even abroad:
A quartet of violinists returns from an international competition. One of them was honored with the possibility to play a Stradivarius violin and cannot stop bragging about this. Another one (who got the last place) grunts: "What's so special about that?". The first one thinks for a minute: "Let me put it in this way for you: just imagine you were given a chance to make a couple of shots from Dzerzhinsky's mauser..."
In a prison, two inmates share their experience. "What did they arrest you for?" one of them asks. "Was it a political or common crime?" "Of course political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system requires replacement.' So, they gave me seven years."
A frightened man came to the KGB "My talking parrot disappeared." "This is not our case. Go to the criminal police." "Excuse me. Of course I know that I have to go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with that parrot."
The newly arrived Russian immigrant tried his best to answer the questions posed by the journalist: "How was life for you in Russia?" / "Couldn't complain". "Did you like your job there?" / "Couldn't complain". "And how was the schooling for your children?" / "Couldn't complain". "So, you were happy in Russia?" / "Couldn't complain". "Well, then," the journalist continued, "if you couldn't complain why have you come to Israel/USA?" / "Because here I can complain!"
Q: What is more useful — newspapers or television? A: Newspapers, of course. You cannot wrap herring in a TV. Alt. You cannot wipe yourself with a TV. (Refers to shortage of toilet paper in USSR, so newspapers were used instead.)
We pretend to work and they pretend to pay us! [A joke that frequently did the rounds at factories and other places of state-funded labour.
Five precepts of the Soviet intelligentsia (intellectuals):
Don't think.
If you think, then don't speak.
If you think and speak, then don't write.
If you think, speak and write, then don't sign.
If you think, speak, write and sign, then don't be surprised.
An old woman asks her granddaughter: "Granddaughter, please explain Communism to me. How will people live under it? They probably teach you all about it in school." "Of course they do, Granny. When we reach Communism, the shops will be full — there'll be butter, and meat, and sausage . . . you'll be able to go and buy anything you want. . ." "Ah!" exclaimed the old woman joyously. "Just like under the Tsar!"
Every morning a man would come up to the newspaper stand, and buy a copy of Pravda, look at the front page and then toss it angrily into the near-by bin. The newspaper-seller was intrigued. "Excuse me," he said to the man, "Every morning you buy a copy of Pravda from me and chuck it in the bin without even opening it. What do you buy it for?" "I'm only interested in the front page,' replied the man. 'I'm looking out for a death notice." "But you don't get death notices on the front page," said the newspaper-seller, taken aback. "I assure you, the death notice I'm looking for will be on the front page."
A regional Communist Party meeting is held to celebrate the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution. The Chairman gives a speech, "Dear comrades! Let's look at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution. For example, Maria here, who was she before the revolution? An illiterate peasant; she had but one dress and no shoes. And now? She is an exemplary milkmaid known over the entire region. Or look, Ivan Andreev, he was the poorest man in this village, he had no horse, no cow, and not even an ax. And now? He is a tractor driver with two pairs of shoes! Or Trofim Semenovich Alekseev - he was a nasty hooligan, a drunk, and a dirty gadabout. Nobody trusted him even with a snowdrift in wintertime as he would steal anything he could get his hands on. And now he's a Secretary of the Party Committee!"
Some jokes ridiculed the level of political indoctrination in the educational system of the Soviet Union:
"My wife has been going to cooking school for three years." / "She must really cook well by now!" / "No, they've only reached the part about the Twentieth CPSU Congress so far."
Quite a few jokes poke fun at permanent shortages in various shops.
A man walks into a shop and asks, "Don't you have any fish?", and the shop assistant replies, "You got it wrong - ours is a butcher: we don't have any meat. They don't have any fish in the fish shop that is across the road!"[The Russian version is a subtle pun based on the fact that a sentence "You don't have fish?" (with interrogative intonation and extra accent on "don't") actually means "Do you have fish?" So, the original Russian dialog is less verbose: "You don't have fish?"- "We don't have meat: we are butchers. The fish shop across doesn't have fish."
An American man and a Soviet man died on the same day and went to Hell together. The Devil told them: "You may choose to enter two different types of Hells: the first is the American-style, where you may do anything you like, but at the condition of eating a bucketful of manure everyday; the second is the Soviet-style, where you may ALSO do anything you like, but at the condition of eating TWO bucketfuls of manure a day." The American man chose the American-style Hell, and the Soviet man chose the Soviet-style one. A few months later, they met again. The Soviet man asked the American man: "Hi, how are you going?" The American man said:＂I'm fine, but I can't stand the bucketful of manure everyday. How about you?" Answered the Soviet man: "Well, I'm fine, too; except I don't know whether we had a shortage of manure or if somebody stole all the buckets away."
A subgenre of the above type of jokes target long sign-up queues for certain commodities, with the waiting time counted in years.
"Dad, can I have the car keys?" / "Ok, but don't lose them. We will get the car in just seven years!"
"I want to sign into the queue for a car. How long is it?" / "Ten years from today exactly" / "Morning or evening?" / "Why does it matter?" / "A plumber is due in the morning".
Post-Communist era
The Boris Yeltsin era saw the revival of some old Brezhnev jokes, but again the focus was put on actual policies.
When Yeltsin resigned from the Communist Party at the 28th Party Congress, people used to say that "Yeltsin is out of mind,... honour, and conscience of our epoch". (A hint at a widespread propaganda slogan: "Party is Mind, Honour and Conscience of our Epoch")
Yeltsin's aide approaches him and says, "Mister President, two guests are here to see you: the Pope, and the director of the International Monetary Fund. Who shall I show in first?" Yeltsin thinks for a moment, then says: "Show in the Pope; at least I only have to kiss his ring."
Putin and Yanukovych met in an international fair. They greet each other. Yanukovych said "Vladimir Vladimirovich, our countries are close friends. We are like two similar bottles of water". Putin reply "You're right, Viktor Fedorovych, but Russia is water with gas inside..."
Vladimir Putin
Humour about Putin takes the form of satirical "facts" similar to the ones told about Chuck Norris, ascribing various superpowers to the Russian president. Putin facts come out of his "tough guy" image:
When Putin was little, he broke a cup. The spilled water turned into oceans and the splinters became continents.
Putin once built a fully functional MiG when he was 5, and proceeded to shoot down 16 American spy planes.
A spoon that Putin ate from can heal cataracts and glaucoma. A fork that Putin ate from can slay a vampire with one stab.
Putin can speak with animals.
If Putin walks in the forest at night and wants to take a nap, bears come to serve as blankets while he sleeps.
When Putin smiles, a child is born in Russia. If the smile is wider than usual, expect twins. When he is sad, the national suicide statistics go up.
Pluto stopped being classified as a planet because Putin once commented on how silly its name was during a dinner with the top astronomers.
A chair that Putin sat on gets promoted to the rank of Major General.
Putin can scratch his own heel without bending over.
Shirts worn by Putin are sent to a secret military facility and converted to the strongest layer of armor for the Russian tanks.
Socks worn by Putin are routinely dropped on Chechen rebels.
Putin knows every Russian citizen’s name, address, and phone number. If you say a dirty word, Putin will call you in the evening to reprimand you.
When Putin’s name is typed, the first letter capitalizes itself.
By squinting his eye Putin can read and write multimedia DVDs.
Putin’s stare has downed 15 American satellites spying over the Kremlin.
Putin’s stare penetrates a ten foot lead wall and brings a kettle to a boil within 10 seconds from three miles away. For public safety he must wear special contact lenses at all times.
Chechen rebels blow themselves up when they hear Putin’s true name.
Saying Putin’s name repeatedly contributes to the common good in the universe.
Putin inhales carbon dioxide and exhales oxygen, ensuring the continuation of life on the planet.
Putin’s love for humankind heats up the planet by 2.35 degrees annually – a phenomenon also known as global warming.
Everything Putin touches turns into a national project.
If a sunbeam shines beautifully through the clouds, Putin is nearby.
If you shake hands with Putin you will be taken to heaven alive.
If you hate Putin you may die early through your own fault.
When Putin drives a vehicle, its engine gains 1,000 horsepower.
Putin doesn’t need a mattress; he levitates in his sleep at an average citizen’s eye level.
Once a month the full moon howls at Putin.
Putin appeared in Thomas Edison’s dream and revealed how to live in harmony with the Universe. But all Edison could remember in the morning was how to make the light bulb.
Putin can power up a microphone with his stare and shut down the Windows Media Player with his voice.
Putin can find out your home address just by looking at your comment on any website.
Putin can browse the Internet with a pocket calculator.
Putin’s dog saved the world at least four times.
A combination of Putin’s fingerprints reveals the State Seal of the Russian Federation.
Stupid Funny Jokes Pictures Pics Images Photos 2013
Stupid Funny Jokes Pictures Pics Images Photos 2013
Stupid Funny Jokes Pictures Pics Images Photos 2013
Stupid Funny Jokes Pictures Pics Images Photos 2013
Stupid Funny Jokes Pictures Pics Images Photos 2013
Stupid Funny Jokes Pictures Pics Images Photos 2013
Stupid Funny Jokes Pictures Pics Images Photos 2013
Stupid Funny Jokes Pictures Pics Images Photos 2013
Stupid Funny Jokes Pictures Pics Images Photos 2013
Stupid Funny Jokes Pictures Pics Images Photos 2013
Stupid Funny Jokes Pictures Pics Images Photos 2013
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